A Superbowl Question

Why on earth did Dan Rooney thank President Obama upon being presented with the Vince Lombardi trophy?

• The president called in a pivotal play a la Richard Nixon.
• Rooney was actually thanking the president for making him ambassador to Ireland.
• On January 29th, the president issued an Executive Order requiring that he be thanked first at all award ceremonies, public or private.
• It was an easy mistake to make: Rooney actually meant to thank not President Obama, but God.  (The other One from whom all good things come).  He regrets the error.

Is Kim Jong-Il dead?

The Sunday Times of London reports that Toshimitsu Shigemura, a “a veteran Japanese expert on North Korea,” believes that Kim Jong-Il, the despotic leader of the prison state of North Korea, died in 2003 and has been replaced with a lookalike impostor.

He believes that Kim, fearing assassination, had groomed up to four lookalikes to act as substitutes at public events. One underwent plastic surgery to make his appearance more convincing. Now, the expert claims, the actors are brought on stage whenever required to persuade the masses that Kim is alive.

You be the judge:

Kim Jong-Il in 2003

 

Kim Jong-Il today

 

…tough to say.

Well then, they should just calm down.

Drudge Report Headline

Dear Dad:

I came across this ad in Popular Mechanics—it’s a back issue but maybe the company’s still in business.  I know you’re using a hearing aid already, but maybe you could check this out.  It might stop your head noises.

And if—God forbid—you ever need an artificial limb, Buchstein’s Fibre Limb is “soothing to your stump.”

 

They just don’t write slogans like that anymore.

 

 

Just the FAQs

Cracked.com (yeah, I read “Cracked.”  What?) recently posted a list called 12 Website FAQs We Suspect Aren’t Asked That Frequently.

It includes this gem of a question from Aeroflot’s website:

Question:

Is it possible apropos of epidemic of the bird’s flu to transport shell parakeets by Aeroflot from Moscow to Kaliningrad? The parrots will be bought in Moscow. The reference for export is available; also, there is a sanction of the main veterinary of Kaliningrad. What documents are required else?

How oddly… specific.

The “Anglo” File

I just took a SurveySpree survey, and got asked this question:

“Anglo?”  I’m not English, thanks.  I know, I know: “Anglo” is an informal term Hispanics use that means “not our kind.”  I also know that some no-class Whites have informal terms they use to designate others as “not our kind,” but fortunately those terms aren’t used in opinion polls.

This is completely beside the point, but now that I’m looking at this list I have no idea what I’d check if I were a Jew.  Are Jews “Anglos?”  They’re not Caucasians, are they?  Or are they?

Hey!  Are you guys Caucasians?  I really don’t know.  I never thought about it until I saw that “Anglo” there.  You’re not Anglo, though.  Right?

How come you don’t get a box?  Are there really more Indians than Jews in the US?  What if you don’t count “Ward Churchills” and “Indians-for-casino-purposes?”

Anyway, I cancelled my SurveySpree subscription.

UN web site hacked

UN web site hacked with anti-war post – Yahoo! News

Computer hackers posted an anti-war message on the U.N.’s official Web site, claiming that U.S. and Israeli policies in the Middle East were taking innocent lives, the United Nations said.

The hackers…left a message criticizing U.S. and Israeli policy in the Middle East and saying “Peace for ever No war.”

Apparently, the hack would have been discovered sooner had it not been so effectively camouflaged as an official UN policy statement.

Shots may help you lose that pot belly

Shots may help you lose that pot belly – Diet & Nutrition – MSNBC.com

Make mine a Rumplemintze!

UPDATE: Never mind.  Different kind of shots.

Neuterfest cancelled

Press-Telegram – Oropeza: Neutering bill no-go

The pets of California can breathe a sigh of relief now.  A bill requiring that every dog and cat in the state be neutered has been defeated.

I’m only posting this because it reminds me of the late, lamented “Arrested Development.”

In one episode, Michael Bluth is talking to his sister, Lindsay Bluth (a dilettante environmentalist):

Lindsay: I’ve always been very passionate about nature. Perhaps you remember Neuterfest?

Michael: Oh, I’ll never forget your wedding.

Later, Michael needs her help in getting an enviro-nut out of a tree on a property he wants to clear for development:

Michael: Listen, after we get that lot cleared, we’re going to have enough money for you to neuter thousands of animals. You can make dogs and cats a complete thing of the past. No more dogs and cats.

(Lindsay smiles brightly.)

 

You can’t satirize Californians.  Well you can, but then they just take it as a challenge.

I wish I was a tough guy.

I had a cavity filled today–my first one ever!  (Now I’m not perfect.)

Anyway, I’m walking home from the dentist with a face full of novocaine, and I start thinking.

What if I start a fight?  My face is numb from the tip of my nose to the right corner of my mouth.  All my upper front teeth are deadened.  I could provoke someone into punching me in the mouth, then smile and spit a tooth back at him!

But then I thought: “I’ll bet the novocaine wouldn’t improve my punching ability.”  And without a good follow-up, that tooth-spitting gimmick would sort of fall flat.

Ah, well.

By the way, I know that in the headline I should have used the subjunctive: “I wish I were a tough guy.”

But tough guys don’t use the subjunctive.  Ever.